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im back

i went to a hiatus because something in me wanted these thoughts to end.. but obviously, me writing another post is an indication that these thoughts of abrupt endings have once again resurfaced. ive started to realize that nothing deserves second chances and that once you consider it, you should just do it. ive been a fool not to follow my gut; i shouldve done it. i mean, cmon, i was decided already. i think i may have lost the balls to do it before. or maybe they tried  hiding? i dont know. its hard to think about leaving. i mean, whats the end deal? when is it the final straw. maybe that was one of my struggles before. i never fully was pushed to my limit and never really met my ultimatum. (which i set for myself.. or tried setting) sometimes, leaving means that youve accepted defeat and that you gave up on yourself. is that even applicable? what if you leave because at the end of the day, you feel like you deserve better.. at the end of the day you just feel sorry for yours...
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a start to a goodbye

the hardest things for me to leave are my four dogs. they know nothing of this world so they probably will not understand why mommy simply never came home one day. or why mommys stuff are being placed in a box somewhere.  please, when i'm gone, follow a few simple steps regarding my four babies.  step 1: let them come to me. let them see me, let them say goodbye. i will be there even in spirit to give them one final kiss, one final pat on the head and a long resounding hug. a hug that will last for all their lives. i will be there to let them know i love them. even in spirit. step 2: dont give them away. dont separate them from each other. even if they fight and are very hostile, i can see they love each other and that they really feel that they are siblings. I dont want them to be apart from each other.  step 3: whoever takes care of them, please give them treats. they like popcorn and fries. feed them as if they were chickens. casually just spray the popcorn...
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Number 1

I don't want to start it off by dropping names or situations. It seems a bit too "13 reasons why" I'll start it off with me. Myself. I've always felt that mental struggles stem from perception. Depression comes from the feeling of discontentment with what you have; what you are; and what is happening. In my case, it lies within what I am. One of the main reasons what that I literally just am getting tired of living. I am frustrated with daily struggles and occurrences.  A lot of times, I have caught myself contemplating and thinking if I did see myself happy with that I am, what I am doing and what is around me. More often that not, a resounding " NO " is what I hear every time I ask myself. Oftentimes, I am seeing my self in situations that have to exit. I can't free myself unless I die. why is that? because of all the factors that would get disrupted once I end things. There are a lot of things that are frustrating me, but at the same time b...
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Why

This is quite hard for me to compose. why? Why did I make this blog? Why the shady title? and just, WHY? I often asked myself reasons as to why things are happening to me. And now, I am back again to asking myself, "what on earth is happening to me, and why is this happening to me?"  It had been a couple of months since I though of creating this blog. But, I came to realize that creating this blog means that I am counting down until the end. The end of what? Me . I pushed back me creating this blog because I wanted to give myself a chance and see if I have come to terms with me setting an ending.  In this blog, I will not set a date, location or directions of when, where and how the end will occur. Instead, I will write down my daily struggles, thoughts and realizations. I seek not to finalize, but to decipher. I am to solidify my thoughts, to check if there is still another option for this. I still want to know the reasons why, but frankly, I'm getting tired of w...
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